This is a safe space. And that is the ONLY reason why I am sharing this story.
I would have shared it yesterday, but I was too close to the subject. Also, too embarrassed.
I got really......REALLY.....sloppy on Friday night.
REALLY.
Never again will I be fooled by a gay who gives me a fishbowl-sized glass of red wine, only to find out that it had been purchased at a gas station.
Never again will I drink two glasses of that, only to be followed by a double vodka cranberry.
Never again will I then drink another double vodka cranberry. I have had enough cranberry this weekend to stave off a year's worth of kidney infections.
I will not end the night crying outside of a gay bar because of alternating feelings of I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DO YOU KNOW THAT and OH MY GOD I'M SO FAT.
I should also try not to verbally abuse the only straight guy in our party, especially when he is unearthly pretty.
It would probably also be good if the verbal abuse is not videotaped and then replayed to me the next morning.
And when all of these things have happened, do not put on the pants that still smell like the bar. No good can come of this.
NO GOOD.
Bless you, my dear friends, for putting up with me this weekend. You are angels and will be blessed with lots of chocolate and hottie hot men in heaven.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Hold the phone!
To be filed under "things you never thought you'd hear someone say" : "I don't care if he's afraid of my penis!"
To be filed under "things you never want to hear after you've heard someone say that" : "Oh, I haven't told you that story? Well, I'll have to tell you later, I have to go now."
That is the horrible thing about phone calls. Many a good shit-talking session has been ruined by, "oh, someone just walked in the door, I have to go," or "oh, I just got to where I was driving, I have to go," or, "oh, one of the kids I'm babysitting is bleeding from the head, I have to go." SO annoying.
Luckily, I complained enough about the injustice of being deprived such a promising hilarious story that he called the next day to tell me the details. It involved a passionate night in the bedroom that was a bit too voracious for the receiving participant, who maybe needed an ice pack afterward. Apparently that led to complaints to his best friend, who then told my friend about the concerns. Needless to say, it was a conversation that left my friend very self-assured about any and all aspects of his penis. When he was telling me the story there were a lot of math terms, and I sort of zone out whenever anything involving measurements or numbers becomes involved. I'm not a carpenter, boys.
Moral of the story -- leave cliffhangers for JJ Abrams shows. They have no place in phone conversations. I had enough mindfuckery while I was trying to keep track of Lost, thank you very much, and I do not appreciate any more.
To be filed under "things you never want to hear after you've heard someone say that" : "Oh, I haven't told you that story? Well, I'll have to tell you later, I have to go now."
That is the horrible thing about phone calls. Many a good shit-talking session has been ruined by, "oh, someone just walked in the door, I have to go," or "oh, I just got to where I was driving, I have to go," or, "oh, one of the kids I'm babysitting is bleeding from the head, I have to go." SO annoying.
Luckily, I complained enough about the injustice of being deprived such a promising hilarious story that he called the next day to tell me the details. It involved a passionate night in the bedroom that was a bit too voracious for the receiving participant, who maybe needed an ice pack afterward. Apparently that led to complaints to his best friend, who then told my friend about the concerns. Needless to say, it was a conversation that left my friend very self-assured about any and all aspects of his penis. When he was telling me the story there were a lot of math terms, and I sort of zone out whenever anything involving measurements or numbers becomes involved. I'm not a carpenter, boys.
Moral of the story -- leave cliffhangers for JJ Abrams shows. They have no place in phone conversations. I had enough mindfuckery while I was trying to keep track of Lost, thank you very much, and I do not appreciate any more.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Too close.... a little too close.
You know that you are in a comfortable and close relationship with someone when they are comfortable enough to use the bathroom while they're talking on the phone with you. And then they tell you about it.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
DVD Review : Sex and the City 2
Last week, I watched "Sex and the City 2" on DVD for the first time. I missed it in the theater, due to busy schedules and the neurosis I have that keeps me from seeing movies in a theater by myself.
So I met up with a friend and her couch and we had some old-fashioned girl talk and watched the movie.
First Impressions : It's been a while since I've seen anything "Sex and the City" related. The first movie came out two years ago and I watched the series regularly in college. But the first major scene (Stanford and Anthony's wedding) seemed SO outrageous. The dialogue was completely stilted and forced. It seemed awkward, almost.
I realize that the purpose of "Sex and the City" is not to reflect reality, but come on. No one talks with a pun or one-liner in every sentence.
And then there's Liza : Liza Minnelli showed up to officiate the gay wedding, which was uber-decadent and dripping with fabulousness. Does it make sense that Liza is officiating the wedding? No. Do we care? Hell no. Because this happened:
YOU GO, GIRL. Love it.
Reminder that the characters have more money than you can think of making in your lifetime : Nannies, dresses, shoes, quitting a job because your boss is "threatened by strong women." But that is nothing on the major plot point of the movie -- Samantha meets a sheikh from Abu Dhabi who wants to hire her to do PR for his business. In order to get her introduced to his business (which he presents as all of Abu Dhabi), he is going to fly Samantha to his hotel in Abu Dhabi, all expenses paid. Of course, she demands that he also extend this offer to her three best girlfriends. So he does. And they go.
The Problems : Samantha is 52 and trying to fight off menopause through hormone creams in order to keep up her libido and stave off hot flashes. Miranda has problems with one of the law partners disrespecting her at the office. Charlotte can't parent her children without the help of her young and braless nanny (the youngest one, Rose, screams and cries all day and night and drives Charlotte crazy), and Charlotte is afraid that her husband is going to have an affair with her. And Carrie is afraid that her marriage is turning her and Big into a boring married couple; she also gets a negative review on her new book about marriage, so she reacts by kissing Aiden, who is in Abu Dhabi on business (of course he is).
The Real Moment : While in Abu Dhabi, Miranda and Charlotte find themselves at dinner alone, and Miranda engages Charlotte in talk about motherhood. It's the one part of the movie that can resonate with women of any paygrade -- motherhood is hard. It's a lot of work, even if you have a nanny (and they give props to the women who don't have nannies). Women get annoyed by their children, even though they love them. It happens. The friend who watched the movie with me has three children and she commented on the conversation with, "Amen!"
The Unanswered Questions : Charlotte's youngest daughter is portrayed as being inconsolable with her screaming and crying. After the first scene of the crying, my friend said, "Oh no, she must be autistic. Kids don't just scream like that for no reason." But there's no explanation given. The resolution is just that Charlotte is able to take "a few days off" from motherhood in order to recover from the difficulties of parenting when you have a live-in nanny.
Overall Score : Two rainbows out of five. It's always fun to see these characters. I don't have the same relationship with them as I did when I originally watched the series (being in the real world myself rather than just imagining it makes their lavish lifestyles seem even more ridiculous), but it's still fun to watch.
Overall Gay : Two rainbows out of five. There has been a lot of critique that the gays in the movie are portrayed in stereotypical and therefore harmful ways (at the wedding between Stanford and Anthony, it is revealed that Stanford got to plan the lavish and ridiculous wedding so Anthony gets to cheat, which is a damaging portrayal of a homosexual relationship), but the fashion and Liza will slightly make up for it. Or at least make you only slightly remember it, since once the wedding is over those characters don't reappear for the rest of the movie.
So I met up with a friend and her couch and we had some old-fashioned girl talk and watched the movie.
First Impressions : It's been a while since I've seen anything "Sex and the City" related. The first movie came out two years ago and I watched the series regularly in college. But the first major scene (Stanford and Anthony's wedding) seemed SO outrageous. The dialogue was completely stilted and forced. It seemed awkward, almost.
I realize that the purpose of "Sex and the City" is not to reflect reality, but come on. No one talks with a pun or one-liner in every sentence.
And then there's Liza : Liza Minnelli showed up to officiate the gay wedding, which was uber-decadent and dripping with fabulousness. Does it make sense that Liza is officiating the wedding? No. Do we care? Hell no. Because this happened:
YOU GO, GIRL. Love it.
Reminder that the characters have more money than you can think of making in your lifetime : Nannies, dresses, shoes, quitting a job because your boss is "threatened by strong women." But that is nothing on the major plot point of the movie -- Samantha meets a sheikh from Abu Dhabi who wants to hire her to do PR for his business. In order to get her introduced to his business (which he presents as all of Abu Dhabi), he is going to fly Samantha to his hotel in Abu Dhabi, all expenses paid. Of course, she demands that he also extend this offer to her three best girlfriends. So he does. And they go.
The Problems : Samantha is 52 and trying to fight off menopause through hormone creams in order to keep up her libido and stave off hot flashes. Miranda has problems with one of the law partners disrespecting her at the office. Charlotte can't parent her children without the help of her young and braless nanny (the youngest one, Rose, screams and cries all day and night and drives Charlotte crazy), and Charlotte is afraid that her husband is going to have an affair with her. And Carrie is afraid that her marriage is turning her and Big into a boring married couple; she also gets a negative review on her new book about marriage, so she reacts by kissing Aiden, who is in Abu Dhabi on business (of course he is).
The Real Moment : While in Abu Dhabi, Miranda and Charlotte find themselves at dinner alone, and Miranda engages Charlotte in talk about motherhood. It's the one part of the movie that can resonate with women of any paygrade -- motherhood is hard. It's a lot of work, even if you have a nanny (and they give props to the women who don't have nannies). Women get annoyed by their children, even though they love them. It happens. The friend who watched the movie with me has three children and she commented on the conversation with, "Amen!"
The Unanswered Questions : Charlotte's youngest daughter is portrayed as being inconsolable with her screaming and crying. After the first scene of the crying, my friend said, "Oh no, she must be autistic. Kids don't just scream like that for no reason." But there's no explanation given. The resolution is just that Charlotte is able to take "a few days off" from motherhood in order to recover from the difficulties of parenting when you have a live-in nanny.
Overall Score : Two rainbows out of five. It's always fun to see these characters. I don't have the same relationship with them as I did when I originally watched the series (being in the real world myself rather than just imagining it makes their lavish lifestyles seem even more ridiculous), but it's still fun to watch.
Overall Gay : Two rainbows out of five. There has been a lot of critique that the gays in the movie are portrayed in stereotypical and therefore harmful ways (at the wedding between Stanford and Anthony, it is revealed that Stanford got to plan the lavish and ridiculous wedding so Anthony gets to cheat, which is a damaging portrayal of a homosexual relationship), but the fashion and Liza will slightly make up for it. Or at least make you only slightly remember it, since once the wedding is over those characters don't reappear for the rest of the movie.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
World AIDS Day
Today, in addition to being the beginning of Hanukkah (mazel tov!), is World AIDS Day. World AIDS Day is dedicated to raising awareness of the AIDS pandemic caused by the spread of HIV infection.
AIDS has killed more than 25 million people since 1981 and it continues to claim thousands of lives each year, including many children. It's one of the deadliest epidemics in the world's history.
I am a firm believer in the power of education. There is a severe lack of HIV/AIDS education in the world, even going on thirty years of public knowledge of the disease. People have a negative stigma and shame about it, which keeps them from educating themselves and others. There is a lack of education about transmission of the disease as well as life with the disease.
Educate yourself. Educate others. Talk with the people that you love and make sure that you are aware and responsible. Please, please, please be safe.
And when in doubt, go shopping for the necessities with some of my favorite girls.
AIDS has killed more than 25 million people since 1981 and it continues to claim thousands of lives each year, including many children. It's one of the deadliest epidemics in the world's history.
I am a firm believer in the power of education. There is a severe lack of HIV/AIDS education in the world, even going on thirty years of public knowledge of the disease. People have a negative stigma and shame about it, which keeps them from educating themselves and others. There is a lack of education about transmission of the disease as well as life with the disease.
Educate yourself. Educate others. Talk with the people that you love and make sure that you are aware and responsible. Please, please, please be safe.
And when in doubt, go shopping for the necessities with some of my favorite girls.
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