Shame City.

This is a safe space. And that is the ONLY reason why I am sharing this story.

I would have shared it yesterday, but I was too close to the subject. Also, too embarrassed.

I got really......REALLY.....sloppy on Friday night.

REALLY.

Never again will I be fooled by a gay who gives me a fishbowl-sized glass of red wine, only to find out that it had been purchased at a gas station.

Never again will I drink two glasses of that, only to be followed by a double vodka cranberry.

Never again will I then drink another double vodka cranberry. I have had enough cranberry this weekend to stave off a year's worth of kidney infections.

I will not end the night crying outside of a gay bar because of alternating feelings of I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DO YOU KNOW THAT and OH MY GOD I'M SO FAT.

I should also try not to verbally abuse the only straight guy in our party, especially when he is unearthly pretty.

It would probably also be good if the verbal abuse is not videotaped and then replayed to me the next morning.

And when all of these things have happened, do not put on the pants that still smell like the bar. No good can come of this.

NO GOOD.

Bless you, my dear friends, for putting up with me this weekend. You are angels and will be blessed with lots of chocolate and hottie hot men in heaven.