DVD Review : Burlesque

I watched "Burlesque" on DVD on a couch in the comfort and peace and quiet of my own living room. Peace and quiet for me to yell at my TV, of course.

First Impressions : God damn, Cher looks fabulous. I don't care if her cheekbones have been lifted to her eyebrows or if she has more wigs than a drag queen. Fabulous.

White Girl Problems : Christina Aguilera's character, Ali, has come to LA to become a successful singer but has to settle for being a bargirl at a burlesque club where the girls lip sync to "the great singers" while doing provocative strip teases. Cher is the owner of the club, Tess, who is having trouble with the payments on the building. All seems lost until one of the girls gets pregnant and Ali gets to take her place. One of the stars of the shows is jealous of her and tries to sabotage her by pulling the plug on her lip sync track. Little does she know.

White Girl Solutions : Ali's amazing vocals has Tess revamping the show because "they'll come to hear her sing," as Tess tells the vengeful slut. Ali also solves her loneliness problem by having her cheap-ass apartment burgled and running to the couch of the eyeliner wearing bartender, who she assumes is gay but is actually just into guyliner to get tips at the bar. Who knew.

The Real Reason to See the Movie : Be honest. If you're watching "Burlesque," you don't care much for plot. You care about glitter and divas. And by god, this movie delivers. There's one scene where the sound guy asks Tess if she wants to rehearse a number for the next day. It has nothing to do with the rest of the movie or the plot or anything. In fact, it's kind of bizarre that the song is a slow jam, considering it's supposed to be played in a burlesque club. "Wait a minute," you might think, "people can't strip to this!" If you're thinking that, you don't need to be watching "Burlesque." The movie is an excuse for fabulous songs and costumes and glitter and Cher, the end.

The Token Gay : Stanley Tucci as the costumer/manager/BFF of Cher. I know that Stanley Tucci isn't gay, but that is just a damn shame because he is a fabulous sassy gay friend. And he has a great sassy gay friend resume, first to Meryl Streep and now to Cher? He is the luckiest bitch in the world. He also has a job as the fashion designer of a burlesque club and has a one night stand with a super cute younger guy -- they don't remember each other's names the morning after and realize that they called each other the wrong names the night before. Yep, token Hollywood gay.

The Diva : Motherfuckin' Cher, y'all. CHER. She is an amazing woman who, rumor has it, performed her showstopping number "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" completely live. This woman is a god and I will proudly admit that I worship at the altar of Cher.

The Resolution : In true White Girl Problems fashion, the uneducated but supposedly street smart Ali is able to save Tess's club by using a story the developer who wants to buy Tess's club used to try to woo Ali against him (something about air rights? Again, plot and logic are not the strong suits here). Guyliner breaks up with his long distance girlfriend in order to sleep with Ali. It ends with a fabulous group number. All is right in the burlesque club.

Overall Score : Three rainbows out of five. It was fun and entertaining. And Christina and Cher can siiiing, guys. I liked Cher's songs more than Christina's, of course. If you get distracted by sparkly things, you'll love this movie.

Overall Gay : Infinity rainbows out of five. Bitch, please. Cher. Christina. Sassy Stanley Tucci. A small role by Alan Cumming. Glitter. Wigs. Guyliner. This movie is gayer than a unicorn galloping triumphantly on a rainbow through the gayborhood that is having a Gay Pride Parade. We're talking a lot of gay here.